traveling to feel.

I wonder what I'm doing most days. I feel like I know everything and that all the decisions I am making are going to some sort of big plan I have laid out for myself. In reality I have no Idea what I'm doing, every day seems to be filled with new ideas that I want to accomplish. I feel like I'm juggling what I should do and what I want to do to. Now here's the real question, why can't should and want be the same? I'm slowly learning things about life...
Sounds cheesy and a bit cliche, but this is my only shot to live. I have this one life here on earth to experience everything to the very fullest. Their are people that find life to be complete by going to school for their four year degree and making a name for themselves in a big company, and waking up every morning and doing that job, being reminded that all the hard work they put into life is recognized every single day they get up and go to work. My view on a life is "living it". I want to see everything I can see and I want to feel everything I can feel while I'm here. I've been told so many times that my heart is shut off from love and feeling something, but I feel every day when I'm doing what my heart wants to do, and yeah that doesn't exactly involve someone else at this time in my life, but don't get me wrong at the end of my journey I want love just as much as the next person. What fun is it to feel love in every way and not be able to share it with someone when you're done.
I can feel my heart longing to feel something, It's been guarded for so long and has become so distant from feeling.
I'm afraid sometimes that I might never discover what it feels like, because I'm so afraid of being hurt. I see people all around me struggling and loosing what they thought they knew best. Questioning the one thing they put their all into....

I'm scared to let that wall down. That's why I'm taking this journey through life, to find myself. I want to know who I am, I want to be loved because I love myself. I want to see love and beauty in every form. When I went out to Seattle I felt like every morning was a chance to feel something new...it was impossible to feel down. Don't get me wrong, I know it's no fantasy and it won't have its struggles and disappointments. I know I will fail at some things and I know I will accomplish big things, I also know that this is my shot at doing something for myself.
I don't want to go on never knowing.
Life to me is experience, it's not being afraid to fail, and learning about yourself through your journey.
I think every human being is so incredibly structured and capable of such amazing things, and I am truly in awe of the accomplishments that have been made. I think those people who wake up and have their jobs and degrees are very amazing people, but for me to know what I am here for, and feel something so that I don't go on living feeling nothing I have to chance and a risk and follow this guarded heart because it rarely speaks up and it's screaming right now.