It was January of 2010 and I was sitting in beauty school when I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. I felt like my heart was telling me to go.
Two months later I had sold all my clothes and was getting out of the car at the Minneapolis Airport to walk onto a plane headed to Seattle Washington. As I grabbed my one suitcase and said my goodbyes I walked through the sliding doors of the airport looking back at what I was leaving, and felt the most mixed emotions I have ever felt. I was unsure,afraid,sad,excited,and hopefully ready for the longest 3 weeks of my life.
I got on the plane and sat down looking out the window at the cold,dark Minneapolis I was leaving only to arrive at a cold wet Seattle. I got into the car and sat in the backseat looking out the window at what was to be my new home and felt nothing. This was my new life journey I was going to take to find myself and escape the state that had swallowed me up and held onto me for so long, I was determined to not turn back and to find happiness in another place.
The first couple of days I stayed at the house and got comfortable, laying low and getting used to a new environment, and then another couple of days went by and day after day nothing was happening and I needed to explore.I took a journey by myself on a bus with my ipod plugged in and a few bucks in my pocket, I walked through downtown Seattle trying to give myself reasons why I loved this place so much. I sat in a quite little Crepe Cafe and enjoyed a complimentary crepe from the owner and finished reading my book. It was lovely to be alone and know that no one knew who I was. It was what I wanted.
I made the trip back and it started to rain, I sat at the last bus stop before I would be back to the house. My phone started to jingle in my pocket with a call from the gentlemen I was staying with to tell me that they had left and there was a key for me in the shed. I think at that moment I knew I was kidding myself. It wasn't the fact that they weren't hanging out with me, but the fact that I truly was completely alone and that it really was only me here.
For the next couple of days I would take walks through the city and try to get lost, hoping that maybe somehow I could escape the reality of how lonesome I had become. It was an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be near people that cared about me and know me. I started to coat this feeling of sadness with nights and days of drinking, a beer or two in the morning and six or seven at night. I am not a big drinker at all but it started to make the days go by faster and the pain a little more numb.
I remember it was a Friday morning and the mail had just come, and the only people that got anything were their mom and me! I had two packages that arrived. I received letters of encouragement and support to candy and crafts. It was the one thing I needed at that very moment and time and it couldn't of been better. I started to receive text messages from new friends and old friends, and it gave me a feeling of joy like none other. I wanted to be remembered so bad, I know it hadn't been that long, but I started to feel like I was something of everyone's past when I decided to leave.
I made a decision that night that I was going to take the remaining bits of my money and make my way back to these people. I felt a feeling of unfinished relationships. I wanted to give my life back home another try and I didn't want to run away from things that were hard. I wanted to face everything I walked away from and I wanted to grow in myself where it all started.
When I got off that plane and walked through the same sliding doors I so recently went through, to see my mom running towards me with open arms was a feeling I will never forget. It's that feeling you get when your heart races so fast you think its going to stop, the feeling of complete happiness in a moment that you honestly believe everyone and everything stands still for that very moment, and its just you and the other person. I felt at home.
I think sometimes we have a feeling of overwhelming desire to walk away from what is familiar and sometimes uncomfortable, to a place where we can start from the very beginning. I think for myself personally I needed to see what it would feel like to have no one there for me, to have to depend on myself. In my mind I have always believed that I am someone who is detached from everyone and everything, that I can walk away and feel nothing. But I learned more about myself in three weeks then I could of ever expected. I learned to hold onto the relationships in your life, and recognize the people that care and love me, and to do the same back.
I am now 23 years old laying in my bed at 2:10am the day after christmas, living in an apartment only blocks away from my job with my lovely other half and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

a handful of knowledge gained.

It's interesting how things happen and the relationships that are formed. I read a book recently about Albert Einstein and his theory of time.
He explains so many life experiences that are effected by simple gestures...and really makes you wonder how every decision you've made as a person has altered your own life as you know it.
I'm sitting at my computer listening to the one musician that makes my mind crazy and my fingers moving...and I can't help but think about everything that has happened in (time) over the last month of my own life.
I have met so many incredible people that have effected my life daily. I have had moments of laughter that I haven't felt in so long that it felt foreign coming out of my mouth, I had my heart twisted and turned in so many directions that I didn't know it was possible for me to even feel those feelings.
I learned that people see things in me that I myself have been searching for for years. People have told me that I'm relaxed, scared, young,doubtful, strong, bold, and real...can you imagine the kind of effect all of those words has had on a person? I'll tell ya, it's taught me a lot about myself and how people perceive me, and simply how I would like to be perceived.
I'm always afraid of hurting, being hurt, and simply just engaging in a connection with anyone. I fear the end of everything before it has even begone.I rather have no one most of the time then ever hurt anyone.
I'm constantly dodging people left and right to avoid having to feel any sort of connection to them..because with connection comes emotion and with emotion becomes a sort of feeling that you can't control and for me to not be in control of myself, well that simply will not do.
But, at the same time I am recognizing my problem. My pride, my fear. And I'm slowly trying to push myself out of this comfort zone I have had myself wrapped up in so long that I've almost forgot how to feel. Really, sounds dumb...but I've forgot the feeling of enjoying someone elses company and being okay with chemistry and letting it just be what it is and living in that moment.
I've had tastes of this feeling here and there in the last couple of months, and to be quite honest I think I like it...but I'm not ready to jump all the way in yet.

sunshine and eager fingers.

So I have made my journey, short but filled with a lot of experience to help me grow up.
I think it only takes little changes in life to challenge everything you thought you knew.
I've never felt so lost and alone in my whole entire life...It was the kind of feeling like something was missing all the time and you couldn't do anything to fill that hole. Not a tasty beer or two, or even a favorite treat to go along with a walk and music that seems to always make sense.
But I needed that feeling, I needed to feel lost to know what I want the most out of life. I want to feel everything...every persons presence, I want to love and be loved...I want to discover who I am in every way.
But what I also learned is that I don't have to run away from everyone and everything I know to do that.
Summer is on it's way and lots of adventures to come...lots of new faces to meet.

traveling to feel.

I wonder what I'm doing most days. I feel like I know everything and that all the decisions I am making are going to some sort of big plan I have laid out for myself. In reality I have no Idea what I'm doing, every day seems to be filled with new ideas that I want to accomplish. I feel like I'm juggling what I should do and what I want to do to. Now here's the real question, why can't should and want be the same? I'm slowly learning things about life...
Sounds cheesy and a bit cliche, but this is my only shot to live. I have this one life here on earth to experience everything to the very fullest. Their are people that find life to be complete by going to school for their four year degree and making a name for themselves in a big company, and waking up every morning and doing that job, being reminded that all the hard work they put into life is recognized every single day they get up and go to work. My view on a life is "living it". I want to see everything I can see and I want to feel everything I can feel while I'm here. I've been told so many times that my heart is shut off from love and feeling something, but I feel every day when I'm doing what my heart wants to do, and yeah that doesn't exactly involve someone else at this time in my life, but don't get me wrong at the end of my journey I want love just as much as the next person. What fun is it to feel love in every way and not be able to share it with someone when you're done.
I can feel my heart longing to feel something, It's been guarded for so long and has become so distant from feeling.
I'm afraid sometimes that I might never discover what it feels like, because I'm so afraid of being hurt. I see people all around me struggling and loosing what they thought they knew best. Questioning the one thing they put their all into....

I'm scared to let that wall down. That's why I'm taking this journey through life, to find myself. I want to know who I am, I want to be loved because I love myself. I want to see love and beauty in every form. When I went out to Seattle I felt like every morning was a chance to feel something new...it was impossible to feel down. Don't get me wrong, I know it's no fantasy and it won't have its struggles and disappointments. I know I will fail at some things and I know I will accomplish big things, I also know that this is my shot at doing something for myself.
I don't want to go on never knowing.
Life to me is experience, it's not being afraid to fail, and learning about yourself through your journey.
I think every human being is so incredibly structured and capable of such amazing things, and I am truly in awe of the accomplishments that have been made. I think those people who wake up and have their jobs and degrees are very amazing people, but for me to know what I am here for, and feel something so that I don't go on living feeling nothing I have to chance and a risk and follow this guarded heart because it rarely speaks up and it's screaming right now.

b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l

Life is beautiful.

Every moment you are able to wake up and breath in,every time you get to feel, it's beautiful.

We live our lives questioning every small and big decision we have to make,we wake up and wonder why we are alive, what purpose we serve on this earth. Other days we feel like the world is ours to do whatever we want with. We believe that anything is possible all we have to do is take that first step forward.
We see weakness in our souls and forget who we are. We start to believe that the funny and lively person we were has come and gone, and that you'll never be that person again. We start to doubt the small things we do and question every word we exchange with another person if its business or simply comfortable conversation. When we walk into a place instead of standing tall and proud, we cover up and hang our heads low. Losing who you are is the hardest and most hearting wrenching feelings.
When I say "WE" I really mean "ME".
I want to believe that every awkward moments that have suddenly occurred are just a slip ,but I'm starting to believe that I may never be that person again. I want to laugh and I want to breath in the air knowing its another day,another shot at being who I want to be and the funny thing is it is.
Life is beautiful and full of constant opportunity and relationships to grow in. I'm a believer I just need to do what I say.

Because I know you're there, and that you can.

LLLLLLLLLLLLoooooooovvveee! ah! what are you?! is it more than gut wrenching feeling?

We feel all sorts of things, like paper cuts, goose bumps when its chilly, heartache when we're sad, and heartache when we're IN LOVE. Someone decided that four letters would sum up a lifetime of feelings. That one word could change everything. Scary to think that when our stomachs hurt, we can't seem to eat, and a sudden stuttering comes over us is described as L-O-V-E. We make fun of it, we ignore it, but every single person wants to love and be loved. It's a feeling that ice cream treats, and romance novels can't make happen, although both captivating and sinfully delicious, its still not quite the same:)

I hate waiting for it though, theirs always someone saying it will happen its just not your time yet, making you feel better about being alone with your ice cream and novels. When all you want them is to just tell you you'll be alone forever and give up hope because it seems easier than living through romeo and juliet, or jack and rose.

I'm a believer of it. I've felt it, i'll feel it again, I just hope soon.

eat, sleep, WALK?

I've been super attached to my music lately, it seems to be the only thing that calms my mind as it races with every problem, idea, and fear. I seem to understand things better when my minds on music, its my drug, my addiction. I've had so many things happen this summer so far. People I've met, things I've seen...or just simply discovering myself. I met a man today, he sounds like he was possibly australian. He had a big old travelers backpack on and wanted to know where clearwater was. I had no idea...
I came to find out that he was on a trip by foot, only following trails to Montana. He started in Madison Wisconsin and it took him 11 days to get to well, me. He said he believed it would take him 40 days to get there. It was something he was doing for kids and retired vets.
Think about it, to be so free of all bonds of every day life to pack a bag strap it to you and just walk....
All you care about is what you see. It was such a crazy thing for someone like me to comprehend, to have nothing but the open road ahead of you, not a care in the world. Natures beauty surrounds you, and you're the closest to it you'll ever be. I've been so down and confused wondering how I'm going to make money, how I'm going to survive then theirs a man with nothing who's using his two feet to bless others. I want the simple life, I want to appreciate the two legs God gave me.
I'm a selfish human being, who wants nothing more then to be selfless.
I