a handful of knowledge gained.

It's interesting how things happen and the relationships that are formed. I read a book recently about Albert Einstein and his theory of time.
He explains so many life experiences that are effected by simple gestures...and really makes you wonder how every decision you've made as a person has altered your own life as you know it.
I'm sitting at my computer listening to the one musician that makes my mind crazy and my fingers moving...and I can't help but think about everything that has happened in (time) over the last month of my own life.
I have met so many incredible people that have effected my life daily. I have had moments of laughter that I haven't felt in so long that it felt foreign coming out of my mouth, I had my heart twisted and turned in so many directions that I didn't know it was possible for me to even feel those feelings.
I learned that people see things in me that I myself have been searching for for years. People have told me that I'm relaxed, scared, young,doubtful, strong, bold, and real...can you imagine the kind of effect all of those words has had on a person? I'll tell ya, it's taught me a lot about myself and how people perceive me, and simply how I would like to be perceived.
I'm always afraid of hurting, being hurt, and simply just engaging in a connection with anyone. I fear the end of everything before it has even begone.I rather have no one most of the time then ever hurt anyone.
I'm constantly dodging people left and right to avoid having to feel any sort of connection to them..because with connection comes emotion and with emotion becomes a sort of feeling that you can't control and for me to not be in control of myself, well that simply will not do.
But, at the same time I am recognizing my problem. My pride, my fear. And I'm slowly trying to push myself out of this comfort zone I have had myself wrapped up in so long that I've almost forgot how to feel. Really, sounds dumb...but I've forgot the feeling of enjoying someone elses company and being okay with chemistry and letting it just be what it is and living in that moment.
I've had tastes of this feeling here and there in the last couple of months, and to be quite honest I think I like it...but I'm not ready to jump all the way in yet.